By 

03 March 2012
Warning: this article contains descriptions and/or references to violence and/or sexual assault

In the 2011 Winter edition of EMMA (Germany’s leading feminist magazine in Germany, and the only political magazine in Europe entirely run by women) a large part of the magazine was dedicated to pornography. We’ve translated them into English. Below is the third and final part of ‘The dream of being a porn star’, a detailed account from a survivor of the pornography industry.

I had a relationship with a man at the time. He saw me as a human being, because I was a human being with him from time to time. I could talk to him and as long as he did not touch me it was lovely. But from the time when he was inside me it turned off on its own. I had no more senses below. It was always lovely before and after. Sometimes I couldn’t have sex with him at all. I had to watch out that he would not become one of them, one of those sick wankers. When I came home from work and he was waiting for me it was hard to tell the difference.

At some point the time came when I couldn’t carry on anymore. Every time I was sober the shoots came back to me: how many men have been inside me again. In the small city I lived in the men who had seen me in films called me a “porno-slut”. Some of them even said “Why don’t you come over with your daughter, I’ll show her how to do a blowjob!” Women took part in it as well. They said things like “you porn cunt, have you had a cock inside you today yet?” One time in the entry-hall to a club a woman attacked me hitting and spitting at me. She was shouting “What do you want here you porn whore?”

I also noticed it at my daughter’s nursery. Some children were not allowed to play with her and she wasn’t invited to birthday parties. I noticed despising looks and whispers everywhere. One day the woman looking after my daughter during the day told me she did not want to continue doing it anymore. I tried shooting less then as I thought there would be less of me for sale then. I worked in a pub then. The owner thought it was brilliant that I came out of the porn industry – his wife had sex for money as well.

I just wanted to serve the guests in a friendly manner, but I had to put up with a lot. At one point you start learning to live with knowing that you’re nothing but a piece of shit for these people. And inside you notice that you’re dying off.

Find full original article here: http://www.antipornmen.org/2012/03/03/emma-winter-edition-the-dream-of-being-a-porn-star-part-iii-getting-out-and-staying-out/#.UPR96G8703A

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