By 

16 February 2012
Warning: this article contains descriptions and/or references to violence and/or sexual assault

In the 2011 Winter edition of EMMA (Germany’s leading feminist magazine in Germany, and the only political magazine in Europe entirely run by women) a large part of the magazine was dedicated to pornography. We’ve translated them into English. Below is the second of three parts we will be publishing of The dream of being a porn star, a detailed account from a survivor of the pornography industry.

My first shoot was in Berlin, in a garage. It was a film that wasn’t shot for the German market as it was too extreme. The film was for the Dutch and Belgian market, where those things were allowed. But I was told everything would be cool and easy and that everyone was really nice. When I was in make-up I was shaking and a woman, who looked completely wrecked asked me “And, is this your first time?”

In the past people used oil during shoots. It was really slippery and looked like the woman was very wet. We weren’t allowed to use oil anymore. We could only use a small drop; apart from that it was only spit. When you winced during a shoot they said: “Don’t complain, you want it!” If you said “I’m spent” the producer said “You signed that you will perform and only then will you get paid”. People have to pay their travel expenses in advance and often you buy the ticket using up the last bit of money you have. You have to get back home too and most women don’t have any credit on their mobile phones. Family and friends don’t know where you are most of the time either, so you are trapped.Then it started. It was an S&M film and I was the dominatrix. Alongside other things I had to pretend to cut a man’s cock off with a knife. I was meant to verbally abuse the man as a dirty dog, lash him with a whip and then trample on his balls with my high heels. The men put up with it because in the back of their minds they think: now this woman is hard, but I will fuck her soon! Sometimes they do it with such brute violence that the walls of my vagina kept tearing. I have lots of scars in my vagina.

The male performers could do what they want with the women and the producers did the same. You discuss what will happen beforehand, but the contract says you will do anything the producer demands. That is what the contracts are like; the moment you sign them you stop being a human being. You are reduced to an object -a hole.

The male performers are really physically aroused. They put the images into their minds and block out the rest. Or they put their favourite perfume under their nose. That way they can also work through an 80 year-old woman for instance. Others inject drugs into their cocks so he blood will go into it. One of them injected too much one time and had to go to hospital to be bled so to speak.

My first shoot was over after about six hours. It was a relatively quick shoot. I got €200 for it and a lot of praise. I felt miserable but I got so many acknowledgements from complete strangers. I had never experienced that in my own family. On the train home I went to the loo every couple of minutes and I thought I have to wash myself. I felt unclean and had the smell of sperm in my nose. I was pumped full after all. I washed my face and my hands. I washed till kingdom come, but I could not get rid of the smell. It followed me around.

At some point I started grinning at colleagues who wouldn’t do anal myself, as it was so normal. Young girls who couldn’t do it and were scared like I was I…I don’t want to say I made them willing, but I told them how to do it. Somehow they trusted me even though I was a real cow. I became really cold and was unable to show any feelings. But the girls always told me their stories.

All the girls – whether they were from Germany, Spain, the Czech Republic, Russia or the USA – all, all, all of them had had a bad experience or multiple ones. Whether it was sexual abuse by the father, a drug-addicted mother or whether they had been in a refuge. They all had stories. Some of them were already completely destroyed when they arrived. A lot came looking for recognition and affirmation and with the illusion of lots of easy money. A lot of them said “I’ll do this one, maybe two times because I’m in debt”. Young girls who had a high mobile phone bill for instance. A year later you see them at the expo with blown-up tits and high heels.

Find full original article here: http://www.antipornmen.org/2012/02/23/emma-winter-edition-the-dream-of-being-a-porn-star-part-ii-the-reality-of-the-porn-industry/

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